07-04-2014, 01:09 AM
I don't even. 
Let's get to the grading.
Content: 8/10. It's kind of funny (both kinds of funny) how I'm the only one with a romantic attachment. In the Real Life middle ages, you usually had a child or two by the time you turned 18. Given, this is Pokemon, so people don't usually die in infancy or get killed by the flu, so people would probably wait a bit before starting a family-
But I digress. I wonder who the three people at the end of the chapter are. Are they the ronin that we wanted to include in the story? Are they the sinister string-pullers who want to sacrifice the Golden Pokemon? Are they actually people with the same intentions as the heroes, who want to stop the rising of the Ancestral Pokemon?
Speaking of which, it's somewhat bothering that the Ancestral Pokemon would want to listen to someone who hunts down and sacrifices Shiny Pokemon. My guess is, the Ancestral Pokemon will come down to earth and blast the cultists to pieces before they even realize what happened.
Aside from all that, this chapter was pretty good. I liked all the prophecies (though I think some of them should rhyme), and I liked the conversation between Thanasis and Zapdos. I'll forever be wondering why the village was frozen over so quickly. Also, I wonder why there's a Rampaging Poliwrath in the story.
Length: 10/10. Humongous chapters as always. Keep it up!
Detail: 7/10. Srsly? Mudkipz? C'mon bro, show some originality.
Some expense could have been given to show how the village looked as it was frozen over. Maybe the dying grasses covered over in fine layers of frost, or bird Pokemon falling out of the sky because their wings have frozen up. Or even how the sudden cold brought out a rosy blush in Sandy's cheeks, framing her deep blue eyes?
Alcovich sure is fond of the word 'heck', isn't he? (This isn't a bad thing, I just though I'd point that out.)
Incidentally, I haven't seen that strange man from Chapter One around. Was he a Fire Clan agent?
Lastly, that was a pretty good pun near the end.
Overall, pretty decent work. We want more detail!
Now for a few notes:
In the coming chapters, you should make a fight scene (with considerable amounts of martial arts
) between one of the crew and a bad guy.
Maybe you should isolate Thanasis and Noel from the rest, for obvious reasons.
Generally more detail. I have found that there is a direct relation between how much detail one has and how good one's fanfiction is.
Try not to let the story get too convoluted. Too many characters and unnecessary plot devices spoil the broth. Steady the course for a few chapters, then you can go crazy.
Let's get to the grading.
Content: 8/10. It's kind of funny (both kinds of funny) how I'm the only one with a romantic attachment. In the Real Life middle ages, you usually had a child or two by the time you turned 18. Given, this is Pokemon, so people don't usually die in infancy or get killed by the flu, so people would probably wait a bit before starting a family-
But I digress. I wonder who the three people at the end of the chapter are. Are they the ronin that we wanted to include in the story? Are they the sinister string-pullers who want to sacrifice the Golden Pokemon? Are they actually people with the same intentions as the heroes, who want to stop the rising of the Ancestral Pokemon?
Speaking of which, it's somewhat bothering that the Ancestral Pokemon would want to listen to someone who hunts down and sacrifices Shiny Pokemon. My guess is, the Ancestral Pokemon will come down to earth and blast the cultists to pieces before they even realize what happened.
Aside from all that, this chapter was pretty good. I liked all the prophecies (though I think some of them should rhyme), and I liked the conversation between Thanasis and Zapdos. I'll forever be wondering why the village was frozen over so quickly. Also, I wonder why there's a Rampaging Poliwrath in the story.
Length: 10/10. Humongous chapters as always. Keep it up!
Detail: 7/10. Srsly? Mudkipz? C'mon bro, show some originality.
Some expense could have been given to show how the village looked as it was frozen over. Maybe the dying grasses covered over in fine layers of frost, or bird Pokemon falling out of the sky because their wings have frozen up. Or even how the sudden cold brought out a rosy blush in Sandy's cheeks, framing her deep blue eyes?
Alcovich sure is fond of the word 'heck', isn't he? (This isn't a bad thing, I just though I'd point that out.)
Incidentally, I haven't seen that strange man from Chapter One around. Was he a Fire Clan agent?
Lastly, that was a pretty good pun near the end.
Overall, pretty decent work. We want more detail!
Now for a few notes:
In the coming chapters, you should make a fight scene (with considerable amounts of martial arts
) between one of the crew and a bad guy.Maybe you should isolate Thanasis and Noel from the rest, for obvious reasons.
Generally more detail. I have found that there is a direct relation between how much detail one has and how good one's fanfiction is.
Try not to let the story get too convoluted. Too many characters and unnecessary plot devices spoil the broth. Steady the course for a few chapters, then you can go crazy.
![[Image: Icon_-_Outcasts.png]](http://img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110801192020/freelancer/images/3/30/Icon_-_Outcasts.png){kind=icon}
![[Image: 4rb3n7.png]](http://i60.tinypic.com/4rb3n7.png)
